alone

[asterroc]

Some day I'll stop crying when I read things like

Go with me on the last journey. Never say "I can’t bear to watch it," or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for me if you are there. Remember that I love you.
--10 Commandments of Parrot Ownership

I didn't wake up. It was 9 in the morning and I went back to sleep and when I woke and uncovered her, she was gone. She'd gone quietly, I never heard it. I wish I hadn't gone back to sleep. her body was pointed towards the water bowl, she was struggling to get to it? her eyes, eye sockets were sunken, dried up. and i wasn't there for her.

Comments

[sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com]

I understand too well: I've never had a parrot, but I nearly broke down reading that myself. Nearly ten years ago, I had to have a beautiful and incredibly friendly savannah monitor put down, and I still wish that I'd had the courage to be there for him.

[zandperl.livejournal.com]

Thanks. People who're only used to dogs and cats have a hard time understanding that non-traditional pets can be just as personable and loving, and we can get just as attached to them.

My vet was trying to prepare me for the thought of putting Peeper down, and I interpretted that at first as that I *should* do so, and told him I flat out absolutely refused. I'm grateful in a way that she spared me that choice, and I'm glad that she passed away at home, but I'm torn between whether it would've been harder if I'd been holding her at the time, or better because I'd know I was there for her. She was only a couple feet from my bed, but I didn't *know*, I just found her afterwards, motionless and cold.

[tikva.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie. :( *hugshugshugs*

[zandperl.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I feel like such a dip sometimes that it's taking me so long, that I still break down at night every couple weeks. My brain knows that the emotions just have to run their course, but ... *shrug*

Last night my crying woke Gabe, and I felt bad about that too. I need to spend more time with him, he retreats into himself when I don't, and I've been so busy/stressed lately I've been ignoring him. :(

[meredithanne42.livejournal.com]

That's very sad to read.

You might not have been right beside her, but you were there, in the house--and I bet she knew that you were.

[zandperl.livejournal.com]

She was definitely glad of every second I spent with her. Before bringing her back home, I visited her at the animal hospital and sat with her and scratched her head for two hours. Yes, two hours I did nothing but cradle her in my hand so she didn't fall out and scratch her. The vet told me that she begged for scratches from everyone who passed by her cage. :-P I spent a lot of time holding her and scratching her when I brought her home, but I also left her in the cage a lot to try and let her have time to heal instead of draining all her energy. :-\ I still had hope. If I'd known she wasn't going to make it, I would have just held her 24/7 until she passed.

*sigh* What-ifs don't do any good. I've got Gabe on my shoulder and we're going to go about my normal evening business. I've been leaving him alone on his cage too much lately.