asterroc | Life for women

I warn you, this post could be trigger-y for some people.

Sometimes I try to explain to men that women have an entirely different experience of life because we are habitually victims. We have to look over our shoulders. We have to worry if the guy asking us directions is planning to rape us. We can't go out at night, or constantly fear assault if we do. It's absolutely horrible, and it makes me want to slap the guys who don't understand and say that we're no more likely to be victimized than men, or worse, that it's our own faults for not fighting back when we are victimized.

Take the latest Savage Love column for example.

Dear Dan: I'm an 18-year-old straight female. Two nights ago, I went to a party. My ex-boyfriend was present, but my current boyfriend was not. I had several beers, and while I wasn't drunk, I was tipsy. I had to go to my car to get my cell phone, and my ex offered to accompany me. When we got to the car, he pushed me against the car and started making out with me. I tried to push him away and said, "No, I can't" several times. He kept trying to pull my pants down, and every time he did, I pulled them back up. He took his dick out and tried again to pull down my pants. I know it sounds stupid, but all I could get out were meek "No's" and "I can't's." I was afraid of a confrontation because he and I have been friendly since we broke up. I eventually discontinued my attempts to pull my pants back up because I figured the easiest way to get out of this situation was to let him finish. He had sex with me. I wanted to cry the whole time, but as much as I wanted to scream, "Stop! Get the fuck off of me!" I couldn't get the words out.

I called my boyfriend when I got home and told him what happened. He is angry because he thinks I had a part in it. I don't know how to make him understand how many times I said no and how at first I physically stopped my ex from taking my clothes off. My boyfriend and I have been through a lot together, and we talked about getting married one day. I never wanted to cheat on him, and while I feel guilty about what happened, I think he's being harsh on me considering I succumbed to force.

I've apologized again and again, but I don't know how to make things right. I still don't want a confrontation with the ex. I just want to forget about him and never see him or speak to him again. I just want things to be OK again with my boyfriend. Is there anything I can do or say to make him understand?

Date Rape Engenders Awful Depression

Understand that you were raped, DREAD—date-ish raped, acquaintance-ish raped, gray-area-ish raped, blurry-booze-soaked-lines raped, and raped under circumstances that would make bringing charges a futile exercise. But raped. Your ex kept coming at you, and you were paralyzed by a set of inhibitions—a desire to avoid confrontation at all costs (even the cost of your own violation), a desire to avoid making your victimizer feel bad—that are pounded into the heads of girls and young women. Your ex exploited this vulnerability. Your ex may not think he raped you since you finally "let him," and perhaps he interprets that as consent and so, distressingly, does your boyfriend. But raped you were.

So what do you do now? I'd suggest a bit more contact with your ex. You need to confront him—for your own sake, DREAD, and also for the sake of all the other women he's going to encounter over the course of his life. If you can't face him, call him. If you can't speak to him, write him (a letter, not an e-mail). Wherever he is right now, he's rationalizing away his responsibility for what happened. He may be telling himself that he was drunk, that you were drunk, and that, sure, he may have been aggressive at first, but that you came around and enjoyed it as much as he did. He needs to hear from you that you regard—and, for what it's worth, I regard—what happened as rape. Tell him that he didn't get away with it—that he raped you, you know it, and now he knows it. Then tell him that if the circumstances were just a little less ambiguous, DREAD, that you would be going to the police. Hell, tell him you still might. Put the fear of God into him.

Then you need to confront the boyfriend: If your boyfriend can't take your side, DREAD, if he can't see what really happened here and insists on victimizing you, too, then you don't need him in your life any more than you need your ex in your life.

It's just horrible. Not only was this woman raped, but now her own beloved boyfriend is saying it wasn't rape and she cheated on him! This woman had the choice to gouge her attacker's eyes out, or to be raped, and her boyfriend is blaming her because she "chose" the rape?! Fuck. She didn't even feel she had the choice to gouge his eyes out, b/c of societal pressure to not be a bad girl like that. Ugh. This makes me too disgusted for words.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It is definitely frustrating how so many people, especially men, dont' "get" it. I bartend. At night. And i have had those OMG moments when i realize there is just me and one lone male patron there. I feel badly that i have to be wary of what might be the nicest guy ever, who could never do such a horrible thing, but yet i'm still nervous. *sigh*

I know, I feel bad too, but one rotten apple spoils the bunch. :(

That is really sad. What makes it absolutely even more awful is how many women have been in that or a situation like that and are too embarrassed/ashamed to speak out, tell their partner, report it. What about the women who are raped by their spouse/partner - it can be even more difficult to find support because too many people don't beleive rape can occur in that situation.

I don't think there is a single woman out there who hasn't experienced the "Oh God! There is a man near me that could potentially harm me" fear. I know I have on many occassions.

I didn't realize it myself in some ways. Like I knew I had to be careful but I never thought of the fact that men don't have to think like that (or at least for the most part don't believe they have to think like that) until I took a class online in college.

It was at the end of the term and he was trying to make a point so he pulled up a list with two columns, one labeled "men" and one labeled "women" and first asked women what they did to keep themselves safe when they were walking outside alone, at a party, whatever, and ended up with a huge list filling the whole sheet. Then he turned and asked the men what they did to protect themselves, and was answered with silence.

That story you posted is so sad :/

Man, that story of yours is a bit shocking too. I mean, even which purse I choose on a given day is balancing what I'm carrying w/ my chance of being pick pocketed.

I was going to post the same story :)

I agree, she's in a horrible situation.

Being a ~1.9m-tall man, I don't often personally feel the anxiety that a lot of women do when they're out alone, especially at night. (Sometimes I do, but I don't spend a lot of time in neighborhood or situations that are plausibly dangerous to me.) I know this, although I don't always remember it.

(What I get instead is usually an acute awareness of how acutely aware women in such situations are of _my_ presence when they encounter me. This makes me kind of sad, but I recognize that a lot of women would trade their situation for being (relatively) safe and a bit sorrowful.)

I was somewhat disappointed in Dan that he said "...that would make bringing charges a futile exercise". He may be _right_ (in a pragmatic sense), but I wish he'd been more supportive of that option. As I understand it, it's hard enough for women to bring charges in such situations; they don't need anyone else to discourage them.

This makes me kind of sad

Yeah, sometimes I feel bad that I make these fearful assumptions about men in such situations, but one rotten apple spoils the bunch. :(

I was pondering the not bringing charges part too.

We all feel bad that this is the situation and wish it were otherwise, but I don't blame you for making such assumptions in order to stay safe. Hell, as this story demonstrates, you can't even necessarily relax your guard with people that you've known well enough to date.

If we ever get to the point where men are more afraid of women accidentally breaking their arms in an overreaction to their harmless gestures than women are afraid of being raped, then I'd agree that I had something to _complain_ about. *rueful smile*

Here's the argument that comes to mind re: charges. If the evidence is not sufficient to get a conviction, then pressing charges would only put DREAD through greater frustration and pain. As the situation stands, it's (as far as I can tell offhand) essentially DREAD's word against her ex. Barring special circumstances, it's going to be hard to convince a jury of the ex's guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.

I understand the argument (hence my comment about his possibly being right in a pragmatic sense). I just wish that he'd said something like "it would be appropriate to press charges (CTMFA? :) ), but under the circumstances it may be difficult to get a conviction, so take that into account when you're deciding what to do about it". But that's not really his style, I guess.

I have heard a number of white male friends express genuine distress and horror at how they feel vulnerable while traveling or working in third world countries where people don't look like them. They talk about how they feel powerless when someone asks them questions they don't want to answer or touches them in an unwelcome but not exactly threatening manner. Sometimes they get paranoid and defensive; sometimes they just start saying that they don't want to go there again. And I want to say to them, this is how I feel a lot of the time, here and now!

It's a really crappy feeling, and when I live in NYC it's what I experience every time I go out. It's one of the things I really like about intermittently living in the middle of nowhere, being able to feel comfortable all the time, and not on edge. (Where I am now is a nice small city, so it's safe but not dull.)

You must be catching up on old LJ entries right now. :P

Yep! I've been off LJ for something like a week...Miss it, but still have SO much prep to do and loose ends to tie up. Need to get back to it, too...

My Spring break is between 3/7 and 3/15 -- have you guys gotten tickets for your Phoenix trip yet?

Looks like we'll be the week after that. We haven't yet gotten tickets - how close to the date is usually cheapest, do you know?

Edit: Yeah, and I'm up to my ears in bureaucracy confounding my attempts to prep for Spring.

Edited 2009-01-10 02:32 (UTC)

Hmm...sorry, I don't know about how to get cheap tickets. Despite having lived here for a year, I mostly still fly out of LA -- where I board my cat :P .

Phoenix is a hub city, though, esp. for Southwest, so there should be some good fares...

Classes start Tuesday. No wonder I'm dealing with my inbox (instead of actual class prep) :(

Classes start Tuesday.

Mine too. I'm at the MIT Mystery Hunt! It's always insane timing for me.

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