asterroc | "Why I didn't want a girl"

That mother can meet up with this father, and they can have a hell of a time.

Gag me with a spoon!

Not only has my girl not suffered,

She suffered from Day One! This only formalized it. No wonder he's divorced! He's probably right that the girl's better off without him in her life. Too bad he has visitation rights.

I have a bit of sympathy for him, actually, as I'm really glad my friendship with my father wasn't derailed by him needing to parent me in any real way. He would have been awful at it and we would have had a much harder time really connecting because of that. Instead I saw him a few hours a week for playing video games and hanging out and talking, and it was awesome.

Edited 2009-04-30 17:34 (UTC)

I love the bio for the author:

Amy Wilson created the off-Broadway hit "Mother Load," now on national tour. Her daughter, Maggie, is 16 months old, and Wilson "gets it" now, she really gets it.

One sentence to offset all the EWWWW PINK POODLES bullshit. Clearly, at the very least, CNN doesn't "get it".

I think I'm going to have to go listen to "When I was a Boy" a few times. And maybe "Cats in the Cradle" too while I'm at it.

I'm sorry but no. This isn't sexist, prejudice or anything like that. That is called emotions. Infact it is a really common thing, although not much discussed. To cite my non scientific source: By really common I mean in one of my pregnancy communities there was a HUGE discussion on it and the vast majority of people there felt the same way, if it wasn't what they were hoping for there was some level of disappointment.

While I may have not written an article on it, I was actually extremely depressed when I found out I was having a boy and not the girl I wanted. Does that make me a horrible person? I think it just makes me human.

If she had seeked an abortion due to the baby being the "wrong gender" then I would be beside you.

I disagree with you. The reason she's disappointed is because of stereotypes she has about girls:

"Girls have elaborate hairstyling requirements. They whine and mope, manipulate and triangulate. ... daily viewings of 'The Little Mermaid' ... 'she'll be quiet. Calm. Easy.'"

These are all stereotypes about girls. Biases about them. Because she has these ideas in her head, she's going to be raising the girl like this too, as a quiet demure thoughtless little doll.

I'm not saying her bias is intentional or uncommon. It's unfortunately way too common - if we didn't all have these biases in the first place, then she wouldn't have the experience that she describes about walking into a department store and finding only frilly pink things. And quite subconscious in most people. I feel we need to explore these things and become more aware of the expectations we are setting up for children (like telling boys they're strong and smart, and telling girls they're pretty and good) so that we can start to remove these biases and the barriers against children of all genders achieving anything at all.

Edit: One other thought. Prejudice or sexism doesn't need to be tangible events (such as abortion, giving books to boys and dolls to girls, beating someone, forbidding them from attending college or taking certain jobs). It can be even stronger when it's intangible such as telling someone they're not capable of something, or the example above of telling boys they're smart and telling girls they're pretty.

Edited 2009-04-30 17:56 (UTC)

I’m not good at debating, but I will try to articulate this to the best of my ability. Perhaps you cannot empathize with this woman as you are not in her position and have admitted to being happy to not have children.

I think this is less of an issue of stereotypes being used to project what the kid will be like and more of a way to validate or justify her feelings. She specifically said she had a niece that was a tomboy and specified that a child’s nature will come out regardless of how you raise them (her point about the boys with guns), and that she has one boy that is greedy and another that is not.

Let me explain this in a basic way that I think the author feels (I could be completely off base, but this is how it is for me): I want a green ipod for my birthday. I am gifted a purple one. While purple is a fine color, I really wanted a green one. I still love my purple ipod, but I am disappointed it isn’t the color I wanted. Why? Well… purple is more girlie and it doesn’t match the rest of my green stuff. Green is cool, and if I have to sell it there would be a better market for it (not saying sell your child here). Now I have a guy friend whose favorite color is purple. The point is I wanted an ipod, I was wishing for a green one because I like green better as a personal preference, but people make me feel like I need to explain why I like green better.

I am a tomboy. I rarely wear make-up, I don’t get along with most other females, I despise dresses, skirtsand I don't enjoy shopping. As a child I used to dig in the dirt, play with caterpillars and hung out with my neighbor while he pinned bugs up in his collection. I am a gamer and I enjoy reading and I played sports. For every female friend I had in college I had 7 male friends. I know the girl stereotypes, and I don’t like girlie girls. I like guys, they make sense to me. Yet, I still wanted a girl. Why did I want a girl? If someone asked why I didn’t want a boy I probably would have stated something as stereotyping as her only the other way and yet I fit most of the stereotypes of a boy as a child.

If I had a girl and she wanted to wear make-up and skirts I would not have objected and when my boy wants to play monster trucks (another thing I dislike) I am not going to stop him either.
I know lots of boys that are cute and manipulative and whiney and girls who are hard core bug fanatics who roughhouse and are simple for clothes. Doesn't change my emotions. I think you are trying to make this out to be way too black and white.

Gee, I wouldn't assume she wanted a girl just because she was a woman. I thought it was kind of natural (if perhaps presumptuous) to assume that people want the "1 girl and 1 boy" thing. At least, I think if I ever said the phrase "going for your girl?" that is what I would mean :x

"Girls . . . whine and mope, manipulate and triangulate. "

I should introduce this woman to my ex-husband. And any number of small, whiny, manipulative boy-children I've known.

But I'm guessing she'll be right, because she'll teach her daughter to be a girl, the way she's taught her sons to be boys. She's got "self-fulfilling prophecy" written all over her assumptions.

Before this discussion goes any further, I would like to point out Amy Wilson's blogpost here. In short, CNN titled that article in that way, not her. I think that Amy's been cast in a bit of an unfair light by the media who want to make this story, as she says, provocative.

Granted, she is doing a little to propagate some sexist things in terms of how we (as a human race) raise children. I would be curious to see how you raise your own child(ren), assuming you decide to have any (naturally or otherwise). I'm not saying that to imply you might do a poor job (and I hope you don't read into it in any other way, as that was not my intent); I am just naturally curious: I've recently begun looking back on my own childhood and have had a few discussions with my parents about how they raised me and my younger sister. In doing so, I've come to just crack the surface of understanding what fantastically difficult, scary, life-changing, and life-encompassing learning processes childbearing and childrearing are. Wow.

I wonder what she'll do when one of her sons tearfully confesses that deep down, he really does want to have a pink poodle party.

She probably won't give a shit. The article wasn't about how she would flip out if her boys acted differently from what she viewed as normal oy behavior.

I have two boys and I agree with this woman 100%. I think that in general, women *are* more manipulative. I remember extremely well the cattiness and bitchiness that I had to deal with as a teenager...and I still deal with it from some women I know that never made it past high school in their heads. I also have worked in offices where the majority of the staff were women, and it's a cutthroat world at times. There is always gossip flying, backstabbing, etc.. It's vicious.

Perhaps, since zandperl is used to working in more areas where in general there are more men, she is not aware of/used to the vicious manipulation that can go on amongst women. In my experience, I would MUCH rather work with a bunch of men because there just isn't the same level of bullshit and gossip and nastiness as there is with women. I don't think this makes me sexist, it is just my experience. In my experience, much of what the author of that article says is 100& right on. And, of course, there are always the exceptions.

I agree about the portrayal of women. I just object to the stereotyping that girls always like princesses and boys can't.

I'm not sure if I'd rather work with men than women. Yeah, women are catty, but men are incapable of saying what they mean.

Perhaps, since zandperl is used to working in more areas where in general there are more men

When I was in astronomy (male-dominated) I saw a lot of back biting, hiding of information, power struggles, and also outright sexism against myself and the few other women. I am now in the female-dominated field of education and people are ridiculously nice.

*shakes head, is sad*

I do think that some of her thoughts are stereotypical, but i also understand a bit as to where she's coming from. The further you get in the article, the less "OMG PINK POODLEZ" it gets. The line "So maybe she will be my little angel who will play with her dolls, peaceful and content. But is that what I want for her? If she is gentle, will she be eaten alive by the mean girls in sixth grade? Will I be powerless to protect her?" is very real to me... i remember being picked on by the mean girls, and my mother could do nothing. I fear that for my own potential future daughter. That being said, i still would like to experience raising one of each.

It's complicated, i guess... i'm not impressed with the article, but i also can sympathize...

"Why I didn't want a girl"

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