Discussion: Real Life

[asterroc]

"Real life should take priority over the virtual, such as cellphones, social networking, and video games."

Discuss!

Comments

[sildra.livejournal.com]

I used to prefer online conversation to phone conversation. But a few months out of college, I started having regular phone conversations with some of my college friends, and I realized just how much I was missing in online conversations by not having tone of voice and other cues--if you tell a joke and you hear the other person laugh, it's a lot more fun, even if you are lacking all the body language. I think IM is where I do the worst, with all the disadvantages of real-time conversation and none of the tone or body language cues, nor physical proximity to help give topics to restart dying conversations.

I still prefer e-mail for business-related things, except in those cases where it's urgent, or sufficiently complicated that I need someone to interrupt me if they don't understand.

[zandperl.livejournal.com]

My email style with business-related things is to be very factual, direct, and goal oriented. Unfortunately many of my cow orkers interpret this as being brusque, rude, or even angry. My English prof colleagues are trying to teach me to use "I" statements, which *I* on the other hand feel is a waste of electrons. I have no problem using "I" statements face to face or in personal online interactions, but in work emails I feel that it's important not to waste people's time and to get to the point since we all have so much to do. *grumble grumble*

[sildra.livejournal.com]

Trying to picture a "cow orker"... I keep getting unfortunate flashes of images of a cow trying to rape an orc.

My mother, who is currently the chair of the curriculum committee at her school, has an arrangement worked out with one of the deans, who is a humanities person. When someone needs to be made to do something, my mother writes the e-mail, and when someone needs to be calmed down, the dean writes the e-mail. Unless the person in question is a science prof, in which case it's the other way around--my mother's matter-of-fact style is calmingly rational and unambiguous, and the dean's touchy-feely style is maybe a little frightening, but that can be effective for manipulation.

[zandperl.livejournal.com]

Have you not heard the term "cow orker" before?

Do you think it's a culture of science thing? A number of my colleagues in social science and humanities have told me they think so, but there's a few particularly rambling people in my department so I'm not sure I agree.

[sildra.livejournal.com]

No, I haven't.

I'm not sure it's a culture of science thing--at least not directly. It might be who self-selects into science, which in turn creates some degree of science culture (which might turn into a positive feedback loop). I suspect it's not so much a matter of being factual and direct, as preferring other people to be (thus the existance of rambly science professors; they might still appreciate your style). The sorts of people who self-select into science often like that kind of interaction, and prefer that others behave that way toward them. But there are a lot of people who feel really comfortable around my mother specifically because of her calm, direct, unemotional way of speaking and behaving, even when they themselves have vastly different styles. Also, animals and children seem to like it.

There are two problems with applying these receiving preferences to e-mails. The first is that e-mail lacks tone and body languge, making it harder to interpret. And the second is that e-mail is just simply not as personal as talking to someone face-to-face. And here is a case where even being on the phone is an improvement: it's very easy, when you recieve an e-mail, to not think about who it's from (beyond the ways in which that's specifically relevant to the e-mail), and so forget to apply what you know about the sender's personal habits and style to use as added context. With sufficient e-mail communication, you might remember their e-mail style, but... to a degree it's like receiving a communication from a stranger. That, combined with the lack of non-verbal cues, means that people will interpret e-mails as if they, themselves, had written them--much more than they'll do with oral communication (even a voice on the phone can act as a personality anchor to reminde someone of who it is they're talking with). So, if the e-mail is not written in the style that they would have used, they try to guess under what circumstances they would have written an e-mail phrased like that. Consequently, they might get the tone very, very wrong for reasons beyond simply not having as many cues to interpret it. So, my mother's style, which works very well in person even with a lot of humanities people, artists, and elementary school teachers, works very poorly in e-mail.

work email

[hrafn.livejournal.com]

I tend towards the factual, direct, and goal oriented, except for it being misinterpreted most of the time, too (oddly, I seem to have less problem being direct and to the point in-person or on the phone, and I can tell immediately when that unnerves people - but in that case, I have a MUCH harder time altering my word choice and etc., and I can tell when people are unnerved because they expect a whole lot of unnecessary blather to take place). However, some rare organizations do have a culture where everyone does use "factual direct and goal oriented" as normal. Which takes some getting used to after so much, "If it isn't too much trouble, I'd really appreciate it if . . . "

And on the other hand, sometimes it really does seem like a person IS using "factual and direct" in email to be rude. It's a fine line.

Re: work email

[zandperl.livejournal.com]

A few people have told me they think it's b/c of my science background (and it's mostly social science and humanities people who have misinterpreted me), and this seems to jibe with what sildra said above. I'm not convinced though, as my department chair (he's biology and chemistry, and close to retirement) is one of the worst ramblers ever and department meetings have doubled in length since he took over for the old chair (biology, a woman, and older than me but younger than the current chair).