HS: T-1.5 Days

[asterroc]

T$ visited me this weekend, and tomorrow he drives back out after work and class so he can come with me Wednesday morning to my appointment. I'm a bit nervous. I think my biggest worry is that it won't do anything at all. My second biggest is that I'll have an allergic reaction - less than 1% have it happen, so it's not likely.

I'm missing a morning class for it, but I'll be back on campus by the afternoon. T$'s afternoon meeting turns out to have been cancelled, so maybe we'll have lunch after. Presuming everything goes well and I feel fine. I'm nervous. I shouldn't be. Either everything'll be ok or it won't, and there's not much either T$ or I can do if I have an allergic reaction, that's what the doctor's for. And I don't even know how much later I would know if it's working. Or if it's not. I'll just keep keeping track of how often the flare-ups occur (around every 4-5 weeks currently, lasting up to a week each time). Maybe I'll be lucky and the "normal" bumps will go away.

Man. Part of me wants to curl up into a ball and cry. I'm so afraid it won't work, and that all this hassle, fighting with the insurance company, waiting months to find a rheumatologist, all my worry, will be for nothing, and it'll keep getting worse forever. I hope not. I really really hope not. Nothing I can do.

That's the worst part, it's out of my hands, out of the rheumatologist's hands, out of my dermatologist's hands. It's in the hands of my body, and my broken apocrine glands, and the MRSA colonizing them, and the TNF-alpha in my white blood cells. Fucking evolution. Things like this are why I don't, can't, believe in a God. If God is good, if there's some benevolent designer, He decided to screw me over for some reason. I don't accept that. I also can't believe in solipsism, because I wouldn't create the bad things in my own universe.

I need to stop thinking, or at least having my mind run in circles. I'm going to go play some Warcraft until I'm ready to sleep. And write a test and grade tomorrow.

Comments

Re: Makes me wonder...

[zandperl.livejournal.com]

If you really are interested in teaching, but MORE interested in research, make time to contact a local community college biology/science department wherever you end up and ask them about teaching one course as an adjunct. It doesn't pay all that much to start, but you do accrue seniority and increased pay as you do it more. And you can have classes at night or on weekends - usually those meet only once or twice a week. Sometimes you can teach only the lecture part, or only the lab, if that's what you want (lecture tends to pay more, despite most of us thinking lab is more work grading).

As I've said, if you're ever interested, I'll hook you up at my place. :) Bio 101's always needed, but sometimes we're looking for Microbio people too, or Anatomy and Physiology, or Ecology, or Integrated Science II (biology and the environment).