HS: T-1.5 Days
Feb. 20th, 2006 09:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
asterrocT$ visited me this weekend, and tomorrow he drives back out after work and class so he can come with me Wednesday morning to my appointment. I'm a bit nervous. I think my biggest worry is that it won't do anything at all. My second biggest is that I'll have an allergic reaction - less than 1% have it happen, so it's not likely.
I'm missing a morning class for it, but I'll be back on campus by the afternoon. T$'s afternoon meeting turns out to have been cancelled, so maybe we'll have lunch after. Presuming everything goes well and I feel fine. I'm nervous. I shouldn't be. Either everything'll be ok or it won't, and there's not much either T$ or I can do if I have an allergic reaction, that's what the doctor's for. And I don't even know how much later I would know if it's working. Or if it's not. I'll just keep keeping track of how often the flare-ups occur (around every 4-5 weeks currently, lasting up to a week each time). Maybe I'll be lucky and the "normal" bumps will go away.
Man. Part of me wants to curl up into a ball and cry. I'm so afraid it won't work, and that all this hassle, fighting with the insurance company, waiting months to find a rheumatologist, all my worry, will be for nothing, and it'll keep getting worse forever. I hope not. I really really hope not. Nothing I can do.
That's the worst part, it's out of my hands, out of the rheumatologist's hands, out of my dermatologist's hands. It's in the hands of my body, and my broken apocrine glands, and the MRSA colonizing them, and the TNF-alpha in my white blood cells. Fucking evolution. Things like this are why I don't, can't, believe in a God. If God is good, if there's some benevolent designer, He decided to screw me over for some reason. I don't accept that. I also can't believe in solipsism, because I wouldn't create the bad things in my own universe.
I need to stop thinking, or at least having my mind run in circles. I'm going to go play some Warcraft until I'm ready to sleep. And write a test and grade tomorrow.
I'm missing a morning class for it, but I'll be back on campus by the afternoon. T$'s afternoon meeting turns out to have been cancelled, so maybe we'll have lunch after. Presuming everything goes well and I feel fine. I'm nervous. I shouldn't be. Either everything'll be ok or it won't, and there's not much either T$ or I can do if I have an allergic reaction, that's what the doctor's for. And I don't even know how much later I would know if it's working. Or if it's not. I'll just keep keeping track of how often the flare-ups occur (around every 4-5 weeks currently, lasting up to a week each time). Maybe I'll be lucky and the "normal" bumps will go away.
Man. Part of me wants to curl up into a ball and cry. I'm so afraid it won't work, and that all this hassle, fighting with the insurance company, waiting months to find a rheumatologist, all my worry, will be for nothing, and it'll keep getting worse forever. I hope not. I really really hope not. Nothing I can do.
That's the worst part, it's out of my hands, out of the rheumatologist's hands, out of my dermatologist's hands. It's in the hands of my body, and my broken apocrine glands, and the MRSA colonizing them, and the TNF-alpha in my white blood cells. Fucking evolution. Things like this are why I don't, can't, believe in a God. If God is good, if there's some benevolent designer, He decided to screw me over for some reason. I don't accept that. I also can't believe in solipsism, because I wouldn't create the bad things in my own universe.
I need to stop thinking, or at least having my mind run in circles. I'm going to go play some Warcraft until I'm ready to sleep. And write a test and grade tomorrow.
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-21 07:14 pm (UTC)